Dear friend,
We’ve had a pretty good run, you and I. And it’s still going, don’t worry. You’ve been my closest buddy for the past couple years and I do love you, heck I barely have other friends now that school’s out. I don’t know where I’d be if you hadn’t been there for me that one day, I guess it’s funny how the shittiest breakup I’ve ever had turned out leading me to one of my closest friendships. In the end, I suppose it’s all part of the plan. I know that you’ve been really down and out lately, ever since the long distance thing kicked the can. Being depressed sucks, and while I don’t agree with taking pills for it it’s your body, and they do seem to help so keep it up I guess. Just know that I’m here for you if you need an ear, or a shoulder, or a place to stay the night. I wish I could do more but sometimes I think I’m just as down as you.
It’s really strange to me that you’re depressed, honestly. I mean, I was worried when you started drinking alone, but it seemed like things were taking a positive turn for a while there. A proper job, gal came back to town and you worked some things out, I don’t know what else did or didn’t go on but you sure seemed happier during that time. Then she left, and it all it the fan. And it did so despite the fact that you’re constantly in demand for your skills, hell it seems like you could walk up to a random stranger on the street and walk away with a thousand-dollar contract.
And that’s really befuddling to me, too. Not just that, I’m sorry for being blunt but it makes me really jealous, it makes me angry. I mean you got out of high school and just did nothing as far as I could tell. Spent a year skyping with the girlfriend and playing half-life mods, coming to my place after I was done school all the time. I didn’t know what you were going to do with life and honestly I thought you were going to end up what some would call a deadbeat. I had no idea you’d been learning to code for several years already. All of a fucking sudden you’ve got people clamouring to get your help with their web projects, getting in touch with all kinds of business people, and you know I’m happy for you, I really am, but at the same time it makes me mad.
I was supposed to be the one with the plan, the guy who went straight to university, the guy who always had a pretty girl around, the guy who was going to be a stable provider. In retrospect it’s ridiculous, I’ve been living in the 9th grade this whole time and nobody had the balls to tell me to grow up. Now we’re here and you’re living on your own, so busy with work you haven’t even got time to help me with the project you urged me to get going on for real this time. Maybe you aren’t in a relationship but you’re independent, you’ve got money, you’re in touch with your family still and they care about you, even though you don’t seem to give much of a shit about them.
Yet still you’re depressed, still you’re so hard on yourself for even the most trivial of failures. Still, you’re choking back all these emotions and hiding behind this veneer of professionalism, your jargon and knowledge. All I had to do was be correct about a math question, and the words that came out of your mouth when you realized you were wrong were “I’m a worthless piece of shit and should die.” I mean come on, it was a math question, everyone makes mistakes. I wanted to assert that I was right because you know what, usually when I’m disagreeing with you I’m the one who’s wrong. And this intense negativity doesn’t just bring you down, but it hurts me too. Your conviction that you must be right or else you’re an unequivocal failure makes you say things like this, leaving me thinking, what, so I’m not allowed to be right about something? Do you think I’m some kind of idiot who can’t possibly be right about anything?
What’s worse is I’m becoming the counselor that I hate so much, that just tells the depressed person to “stop it” without giving them any inkling as to how. I don’t know how to change your thought processes, but that’s why I say therapy is better than medication. You wanted to change some things about your life so that you could be happier, and you did, but it doesn’t seem to have had the desired effect. So what else is there to do but alter your thought processes? Somehow you need to find a way to be positive, and realize that when you piss on the parade it doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts me, and your parents, and your roommate, and my parents, and that anthropologist you’ve been chatting with, too.
I wish I could do more but for fuck’s sake your life is pretty good! You live in one of the nicest parts of town, right across from a grocery store, with a super cool roommate, you have money coming in regularly, you see your family and your friends regularly, you’re intelligent and people are always giving you recognition for that, and what the heck, it’s not like you have cancer or something. Is it really so hard to see the positives? Because I see them, I see a lot of good going on in your life, and I look at my life and it just seems in shambles. I’m really lucky that I have a stable home and parents who will pay for my education because without that I’d be completely lost. You, on the other hand, have managed to get way further than me without either of those things. You’re just harbouring so much bitterness, like when you were complaining about college students who don’t know what they want out of life, going off on that rant saying they should have taken their time to figure things out before going headfirst into post-secondary. Did you even realize you were describing me exactly? Did you even realize it was me you were accusing of being a wastrel? I don’t think you did until I started disagreeing with you, because you were too blinded by that bitterness to think for a second about who you were talking to. I know it’s a small thing but it made me wonder, do you even care about me anymore or am I just a vehicle for your distraction, an enabler for your weekend relaxation?
Look, I of all people know that depression is a selfish condition. I want you to get better, I really do, and I’m here when you need me to be. But this negativity thing really has to change. Whatever it takes for you to let go of that, do it. My advice: don’t be so hard on yourself. Take your mistakes in stride, allow yourself to be embarrassed but don’t dwell on the shame. You’re not a failure, I hope I’ve made that clear. You’ve accomplished a hell of a lot that I don’t think I could ever do myself, and you need to take pride in that. “Enjoy your accomplishments as well as your plans; they are a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.”
I love you, and I hope we can work this out,
Your Pal
If I Stole Alone
If I stole alone,
Awake yet unknown to the dark,
Could we make a home and
Raise our kids in a past
Untouched by entropy,
Where dreams always last?
If I ran beyond,
Fearless yet honest to your arms,
Could we stand before the sea,
Hand in hand, feel the breeze,
Collect the time we’ve lost,
Pick up where we left off?
Sold to the long cold in-between,
Wrapped up in this mystery,
Could future years let loose the choked-back tears,
Will these memories be gone?
If I stepped away,
Timid yet elated to the light,
Could you teach me how to dance someday?
Standing out in the rain,
We’d do it all again.
If I flew enraged,
Uncensored yet tame to the fight,
Could we work it out somehow,
Speak the truth, find common ground,
Is that too much to ask?
Sold to the long cold in-between,
Wrapped up in this mystery,
Could future years let loose the choked-back tears,
Will these memories be gone?
If I laid down here,
Human yet austere on the earth,
Could we find a peace with time,
Hold no grudges, forgive crimes,
Ascend our conscious love,
Could we touch the face of God?
Sold to the long, cold in-between,
Wrapped up in this mystery?
Could future years bring harmony?
Can we embrace divine symmetry?
For all the millions
of people who must have, at some point, felt how I feel or experienced what I’m experiencing, they sure don’t talk about it much.
I’ve Got This Friend by The Civil Wars
I’ve got this friend,
I don’t think you know him.
He’s not much for words,
He’s hidden his heart away.
Oh, I’ve got this friend,
A loveless romantic,
All that he really wants
Is someone to want him back.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
If the right one came,
If the right one came along, oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
If the right one came
Along.
I’ve got this friend,
I don’t think you know her.
She sings a simple song,
It sounds a lot like his.
Oh, I’ve got this friend,
Holding on to her heart,
Like it’s a little secret,
Like it’s all she’s got to give.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
If the right one came,
If the right one came along, oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
If the right one came
Along.
It’d be such a shame
(if they never meet)
She sounds lovely
(he sounds right out of a dream)
If only
(if only)
If only.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,
If the right one came,
If the right one came along,oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
(I’ve got this friend)
If the right one came,
If the right one came along,oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
(I’ve got this friend)
If the right one came,
If the right one came along, oh.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
(I’ve got this friend)
If the right one came
Along.
Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you’re all gone, got your make-up on and you’re not coming back.
Can’t you come back?
Bleachin’ your teeth, smiling flash,
Talkin’ trash under your breath,
Bleachin’ your teeth, smiling flash,
Talkin’ trash under your breath,
Bleachin’ your teeth, smiling flash,
Talkin’ trash under your breath,
Bleachin’ your teeth, smiling flash,
Talkin’ trash under my window.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone,
Park that car, drop that phone,
Park that car, drop that phone,
Park that car, drop that phone,
Park that car, drop that phone.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you’re all gone, got your make-up on, and you’re not coming back.
